Poems | The Rubio Connection

ZOMBIE Jeffrey Joe Rubio Edited 3/15/23.

Why do I feel so alone?

Deserted by God Who says, “He will never leave us.”

Why must I always be so dark?

Knowing there is no light left in me.

I am just a fathom that is no longer profound.

But, only shallow in the midst of my own longings.

Thrown from the building high above the city lights.

Landing on my feet though nothing is broken.

Then I feel the strong sharp claws that pierce my flesh.

Blood is flowing out like a spring from the rocks.

Still alive only to feel the pain.

Life has won and I have nothing to gain.

I am filled with the mysteries that have been set before me.

But, I can only see a glimpse of my misfortune.

Only to find I have no comfort nor help.

My strength lies in the ditch that I’ve made for myself.

Where do I turn when the gates of hell are at my front door?

Who do I turn to when the demons are screaming to come in?

God has left me all alone to fight this battle.

But I am weakened by all the cuts and bruises.

I am torn to shreds by all the evil I see.

the reflection in the mirror as I look dimly.

I am the Evil that is lurking out through my eyes.

Now I behold the mystery of my life.

In a soulless man waiting for the pit of hell.

To open and swallow me up in the shadows of hell.

Got to hide my emotions, got to mask my feelings.

Letting everyone know that I am fine.

But all of it is one big lie so, who will I tell?

I am an infidel living in the dirt that I dug myself.

Cursed by the madness of life that brings tears to my eyes.

There is no sublime or happiness only the sting of death.

The rot of my own flesh is the stench of my aroma.

Being fed to the vultures by my own demise.

It is hard to wake up in the early hours of the day.

Knowing that I have to face the day with the sunrise.

I am cursed from the day of my conception carrying the cross of burdens to my death.

I am the Zombie of pain.

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MY RECOVERY

I need to know that I truly belong to God.

I need to know that this life is not a lie

I need to know that I am free in God.

I need to know that my reality is not a lie.

I am filled with questions as it goes without saying

I am filled with the pain of the past

I am filled with longings to be desired of praising

I am filled with demons that the shadow cast.

Who can save me from my wretched soul and body?

Who can save me from my circle of despair?

Who can save me from myself, my mind, and body?

Who will spare my life from the agony of despair?

Lord, I feel so empty ruined by loathing and anger

Lord, I feel so numb inside, my heart my grave.

Lord how can I change the doubts from my anger?

Lord when will the peace set in when I’m in my grave?

I’ve gone through a metamorphosis change of agony.

Looking older with the knowledge of being wiser.

Though my numbers get higher as each passing year

I am reminded in the mirror of the horror raging.

Recovery is my sanctuary that I found to be enlightened.

Recovery has become my solitude of peace and light.

Led by the Spirit of my Higher Power Jesus Christ

Recovery is now my redemption of Blood and Flight.

I will basque in the Glory of my Saviour’s light

I will sing His praises forever in the light

I will be remembered who fought a good fight.

By: Jeffrey Joe Rubio

June 21, 2018

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MY OWN DESIGN

I am just a figment of my own imagination, wandering this world without a place of security. Wondering if I will ever be safe in this station, when all the while knowing that there is no truth. Only the belief that questions the heart of me, living in the lie that I once knew

Will I ever be saved from the presence of my fate only to walk the streets going nowhere? Due to the fact, that I am only one inch tall and cannot reach the step. People stepping on me as they pass by never seeing me for who I am or what I’ve become, when all the while I am fading in the background of which to come. Being torn into pieces as the knife goes in cutting me deeply, failing out of my life drowning in my own blood.

Life has been hidden from the hands I cannot touch nor that I care about. But whom am I caring for and for what purpose does it serve? Am I only a figment that delights in his own failures? Why am I the only one who wants to know the hidden secrets? But will the secrets serve their purpose? I can only guess the question and desire the death of me.

But I am dead, only in the sense that I was once alive underground in the dirt covered by the warmth of earth. Shallowness has become my own darkness, and I am swallowed up in the sting forever burning.

Shall I call forth the demons? Many a times I have cried to God above, but He does not hear me, nor does He answer me. I scream inside myself when all the while the silence goes up quietly and all I feel is the dead cold heat of hell itself Never knowing where my destination lies yet, I am never knowing who I am. I am filled with the lust of men and the anger of self-esteem but it’s so low that I cannot see above me.

Hell is bent and covers me with fire and smoke that I cough and gag by the Sulphur stench, only to find it is my cologne. I will find my way to the truth of what is to come, and I will be free from the harshness that has brought me here to my life of surpassing surmise displayed on a shelf, filling up with half-truths and half lies. Glory shall run in and fill my house with fire as it burns freely while all the time God has not forsaken me but me Him. I am all the grateful once again…

Service shall require my obedience of my own design…

By Jeffrey Joe Rubio Edited 5/9/23

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CLEARLY SEEING

What do I do when I don't know what to do?

What can I do when I'm sitting here bored?

There must be something I can choose?

I am just a man looking for the noose.

Can I reflect on the memory of my past?

But what can I say about my past?

Do I know what I have been through?

Have I forgotten the life that I once knew?

So many things that come to pass

That I cannot see the road through the underpass

I am blind to the truth that was once was told

Knowing that I will never be to fit the mold

The forms of my sequence of my life big mass

Where is the One Who told me He would never leave?

Am I just a figment of this life that never dies?

Am I just a man that can never express his desire?

Am I just alone all by myself here in the mire?

So many things that never come to pass.

That the road I am on will never turn out right.

I am blind to the light that has shined so bright.

But I see the darkness that has covered my mass.

And the life that I once knew be the one of the night.

Never knowing what can it be.

Sending to the book that never got written.

Showing my blood by the work I have done.

Clearing the darkness that has been filled by me.

Oh I've never tried my life of wander.

Oh I've never rode the tide be yonder.

I'm never going to live my life so full of joy.

I will drown in my sorrow so sublime.

I have dug my grave deep beyond the ploy.

Clearly seeing the life of mine.

Lyrics by: Jeffrey Joe Rubio

February 5, 2024

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I WAS RIGHT

I feel lost and alone

I have no one by my side

God is no where to be found

And I am all alone in my despair

I hear my wife say she hears from God

I feel so less because I don’t hear from him

All I hear is quiet except for my own voice

I want to scream but what will that do

No one is going to hear my screams

I’m not worth a penny or even less

I’ve been abandoned and no one cares

So I am left to my own devices

Swallowing the pity of my grave

I will lay in my grave waiting to be covered

Death is the only thing that I desire

Where I will be tormented day and night

Never knowing why God doesn’t want me

I tell him I am sorry for my sins

But they are wasted and put out in the trash

Now I have to endure the sounds of music that has no meaning to me

Though like the ones I listen to don’t matter to others

All I see is darkness all around me

But it has become the light within my soul

Now I am overjoyed that I am just a worm eating dust

And the ones I love are trampling over me

They don’t see me or hear me, I’m just ignored

One day my day will come

And the ones who would not listen

Are going to hear every word that comes out of my mouth

They will run in fear from the words I speak

And they will scream in agony and pain extreme

They will remember all the things I have said

And they will say to themselves I wished I listened

But it will be too late and the torment will make them scream

Crying loudly from the pain of what could have been

Then I will look at them smiling and laughing at there suffering

For once I was right, now I can sleep in peace.

By: Jeffrey Joe Rubio

May 28, 2024

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PAIN OF BLOOD

I feel like I am walking alone on this path

Tip toeing as if I am walking on broken glass

My spirit is broken into jagged edges

Cutting into my spirit letting the blood flow out

Not knowing how to stop the blood from spewing out

I am lost and all alone in this life of sorrow

Walking along a straight but widened morrow

I am full of distress and full of woes

Then I make a batch of a dozen bows

Black in its course of my sweet demise

The taste of poison on my lips with no compromise

Bitter and sweet at the same time

With no reason and with no rhyme

How did I come to the end?

When the road I walk has become a shallow bend

What will I say when I meet my maker's hand?

Should I conjure up the demons in a band?

What will be my course for my sins?

When all the while I am stuck in a bin

I feel so cheap and ugly in the mirror

But the person I see is full of queerer

There is no cheer or gladness in store

For me or any other for that matter, whore

Wishing I could sleep with any man that looks my way

Only to find out I have been set up by people on the bay

Working for money is a long time coming

Nevertheless, I would rather be elsewhere just for the timing

Bitter cold and hot as can be

Can only mean I am in hell with myself and me

Shall I scream with the horror of the demons I, see?

Or will the flaming sea silence my screams

Burning forever with my own desires

Only to find out I am still on the mire

Trying to climb the mountain to the top

Never making because I am too weak to walk

I fall of the mountain landing headfirst

Never dying never quenching my thirst

Lost and alone in a dying world

Looking at the sky and see the stars above

Spinning around as if in a whirl

Feeling as if I could fly like a dove

Pigeon feed is all I am

They chew my skin; they pluck out my eyes

I cannot see where I am

Far beyond the rising skies

I say I need a man to be with me

But who is going to be the one that sleep

I cannot decipher the words I keep

Only because the words are not me

My fellow brethren please listen to me

Please listen and heed my call

Do not walk with me unless you fall

You cannot catch me you cannot fail

Nevertheless, there too is no such avail

I need to be who I am. once and for all

But I am stuck in the mire for there is no call

I cannot scream or even sound the siren

I sink deeper and deeper as I fall into the fire

The sound is block by all the shrieks of the lyre

And the demons roar loud as if they are lions

No one hears me, no one listens

I am full of sweat that I refer to as glisten

Let this be a lesson to all who are saved

Do not tread the water unless you are brave

You cannot win and you cannot lose

For you will only drink the only booze

Blood is streaming down my chin

Because I drank the curse that gave me sin

I am dead of course I cannot lie

For only in the grave is where I must lie

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Questioning My Identity

Who am I when I am still living in the past?

Who am I if I can't move forward in my walk with God?

What am I if I can't let go of my identity of who I used to be?

What am I if I can't see my future of who I'm supposed to be?

Where do I go when I can't even speak to my leaders in charge?

Where do I go when I am all alone in a world full of lies?

When will the pain of my past stop me from being the person I am?

When will the pain in my heart cleanse me from all my desires?

Why am I created to suffer the strain that changes my path?

Why am I hurting so deeply that the strife I feel is from my thorns?

Shall I go to the pit of destruction worthy only of my demise?

Shall I go through the darkness that engulfs my surroundings?

Shall I travel down the road that churns the pain in my stomach?

Shall I fear the One Who say's “I am nothing without Him”?

Shall I glory in the formation of my disguise that hides me from destruction?

Should I bleed from the veins that were cut open by my sacrifice?

Should I sense the idea that I was just a figment of my imagination?

Should I see through the darkness that is hiding the demons of my past?

How will I get through this turmoil that life has caused me to be?

How will I justify my pain that longs to be free from the hurt?

How will I know who I am as I look in the mirror darkly?

How can I see clearly when the obstacles are obscuring my view?

How can I be so blind that my senses have no sight or smell?

I am just a piece of dust made from the earth of mud and mire.

I am made to suffer and choke as I am covered by the dirt.

My grave is the only comfort that I know and feel.

My grave is the only sting that I feel deep inside.

My grave is the shallow hole that I dug in his presence.

For he wants to see my death as I plead, beg, and ask for forgiveness.

He laughs and scorns at my demise in the secret caves of my heart.

He abandoned me when I needed his protection of safety.

He ignores my cries as I scream to take away my agony.

Belief in my faith makes me want to run far away from here.

Belief in my faith encourages me to straddle the justice in himself.

As I leave the workings of his work in his side and hands.

I have descended down into the pit that burns with fire forever.

By: Jeffrey Joe Rubio

11 November 2017

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I AM ALONE

I’m alone in the dark

Sitting on a bench in a park

I’m alone in my sadness.

Waiting to be covered in gladness.

I’m alone within myself.

Never allowed to be put on a shelf.

God! Where are You?

God! I cannot feel You!

God! Where did You go?

God! I need You now!

You said You would never leave.

Then why can’t I feel You breathe?

You said You will always be here.

Then why can’t feel you near?

You said You would never leave me

I’m sorry for all I’ve done, please!

God! I’m begging You on bended knees.

God! I’m screaming up to the heavens.

God! I’m crying! I’m in pain! Hear me!

God! Where are You? Where are You? I am numb…

I have no feeling left inside me.

I am numb from my head to my toes.

I want to be free, help me please!

I want to be heard from the mountains!

I want to be heard loud as the oceans.

God! I want to die inside my heart!

God! I want to feel You now!

God! I need to know what is my part.

God! I need to feel you now.

The life I live is not my own

But I don’t know how to carry on.

Pour Yourself on me, help me to have faith!

Help me to have faith!

Pour yourself on me!

I want to feel Your presence.

I want to know You.

Please, I beg of You…

Lyrics by: Jeffrey Joe Rubio

January 23, 2024

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I AM DOOMED

I stand and watch as people everywhere feel the Spirit of God.

Yet somehow I don't feel the Spirit of God.

I ask for forgiveness, yet all I get is silence.

What is it that I have done that God would forsake me?

I repent and nothing.

I don't understand this emptiness I have inside me.

I pray for God to fill it, yet my prayers are not heard.

I beg and plead.

But all is quiet.

I believe God left me, along with His Holy Spirit.

Now I am doomed to hell for all eternity.

I amd doomed for all eternity.

I am doomed.

By Jeffrey Joe Rubio

Written: 5/4/2024

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FIRE

If only the dreams that I dream would come true.

If only the road I walk would lead to joy.

If only the memories of yesterday would not be my future.

Things that go in circles only move in circles.

Things that move to a different beat; move slowly.

If only the truth would be made known.

If only the truth of all the lies that have been told.

Would be exposed to the extremities of light.

Then the lies that have been told would burn and die.

How can I be so shallow!

How can I be so cold!

How can I belie the lies!

If only I could move backwards.

But forward must I go.

If only I could retrieve yesterday.

But to the future must I go.

If only I could see the heavens shine.

But all I see is the fire that surrounds me.

If only I could see the beauty shine.

But all I see is the ugliness.

If only God would make Himself real to me.

But all I feel is the sadness that hovers over me.

I cannot hear God’s voice.

I cannot feel the Holy Spirit.

I cannot see God’s back.

All I see are the demons that have captured my soul.

The fire that consumes my heart.

Is the fire that is from the pit.

It burns all to which it is exposed.

The fire teases, taunts, and plays with my mind.

It is calling my name.

I walk in a state of shock as toward the fire I go.

If only I could break free from the fire that burns my soul.

But I am called to the lake of fire.

And so, I surrender myself into the clutches of my fears.

With every dreadful step I make.

By: Jeffrey Joe Rubio

Edited: September 11, 2024

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SILENCE

Deliverance is a form of freedom from the pain of the past

Sailing across the ocean while bringing down the mast

Seething through the anger inside your beating heart

Failing myself while trying to reckon my part

There is a glimpse of light seeping through the window

Darkness has faded away by the way of the flowery meadow

Lillie’s of the valley spinning and toiling under the hot sun

Though the Creator has made his way by the tone of his Son

Frolicking through the woods like a handmaid so fair

Watching the birds fly away two by two as though a pair

Intertwined are the humans sigh as male and female goes without saying

Spreading the male seed as we watch the pain of their love mating

Feeling the fever from the anguish of flames soaring high

Learning to say I’m sorry never knowing if this is nigh

Grieving over the anguish and pain from the freedom of our past

Slowly drowning in the soil and mud mixed with the water running fast

Having a new outlook on our life drifting in and out of misery

Now it is time to stop the bitter pain of our misery

Rain, fire, brimstone fall on us bring us to shame

Lightning strike us down as our name goes to fame

Silence….

By: Jeffrey Joe Rubio 8/11/2017

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A LOVE

I thought we had a love that would last a lifetime.

But I found out that a lifetime is not forever.

It is only just a drop in the bucket with reason or rhyme.

But it will last for only a moment to whenever.

I cannot go on in this charade as I face the truth of my demise.

The longing for another as the rhythm plays for the wise.

I long for the love that is only for the lost and lonely ones.

But who am I to decide my fate when it weighs a ton.

I need to chut the strings that hold on to my heart.

As I walk away from what tears us a part.

Never knowing the reality of what to come from my eternity.

Only to realize tat time is only but an essence of my sanity.

Should I wish for the drink of blood that will cover my lost?

Or will the blood I drink be the poison that my life will cost?

The shadows cover my surrounding as in the darkness as I lay.

In the groves of paradise watching horses eat their hay.

Love cannot bring forth the purity that was once in my soul.

For it will bring out the shame which made me once a fool.

For the water tat quench my thirst no longer does.

My grieving for death to come to me used to be what is and was.

I thought our love would last a lifetime but only sadness lives.

I am lost in my world of despair only to find I grieve.

I long to eel that warmth of light that used to fill my heart.

But now only the blackness that is dark reigns that part.

I walk this morrow only to see inside the eyes of men.

I found out they are just as lost as I am, and do not know when.

When will I be found by someone who can appreciate who I am?

When all the while there is no one who can accept me as I am.

I am he who cries for the one who will bring forth their love to me.

If only I ca feel the love inside my heart, but I cannot even see.

Blinded by the darkness that leaves me senseless and shallows.

Darkened by the abyss that is deep, yet all the while hollows.

I will live my life as I see fit even if it is for only just a minute.

Just to wind the watch of my life to catch a glimpse even if it is for only a minute.

Longing to live forever yet all the while waiting for my death to come.

To take me to a place that is always dark where there is nowhere to run.

By: Jeffrey Joe Rubio

24 January, 2009

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Pieces

Death is the substance that requires no thought

Pull the trigger and now I'm dead

I'm feeling like a piece of me is split in pieces

Small tiny specs of myself lay all over the ground

I try to pick up the pieces, but my hands are too big

It needs more of a delicate touch, but then.

Someone comes along with a broom and sweeps them up

Now I'm lost, stuck in the rubbish where I belong.

Since no one cares, and God is too far to even notice

So now I walk this mire searching for what was

Claiming to be free, but, yet all the while I'm chained and bound

Gagging on the odor of a sweet aroma of burning Sulphur

Never to rise, only to sleep in the grave of my own demise

Lurking behind the shadows, blinded by the darkness

Facing the truth that I'm in Hell without no escape

Listening to the screams and cries of those who have gone before

Knowing now I'm in my place of rest and torment.

I will always be a glimpse of my own imagination

Knowing the lies I hear are in my head

And there is no one to silence the voices laughing

If only I had the hope that would endure thru tomorrow

But I'm filled with disgust for myself, and for my grave

I am poisoned beyond the life that I once knew

And the mirror I see is the reflection of the creature I once knew

I'm dead now, and there's no life in me

Swallowed up in my own demise.

By: Jeffrey Joe Rubio 11 April 2018

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LIFE

The torrid storms of life are just a walk in the park

The turmoil of the clouds thundering as they clash with a roar.

The journey one person makes on the road is called life.

The decisions one makes as they come to a fork in the middle of the road.

Will they make the right choice to walk down the right road?

Will they make the wrong choice to walk down the wrong road?

The choice we make in life can be optimistic or destructive.

The choices we make determine which direction we choose in life.

Life is the essence that will fulfill our destiny.

The essence is the aroma of the sweet smell of our success.

How can we be so blind and yet never see tomorrow?

How can we see tomorrow without ever experiencing today?

How can we hold the grudges that have come about in our past?

We live in a world where hope is just a fantasy.

Where love is the color of grey, not blue, green, or yellow.

The flowers with the petals alive die so quickly in thirst.

We forget to water them, and our spirit utters in pain.

We are just an essence of time flowing through the air with no cares.

We live as we please, never seeing the destruction that follows our feet.

We consume all the despair that life has to offer.

Never smelling the sweet aroma that one day would come to share.

Life is the flame that burns deep inside your soul.

Burning hotter as your passion becomes enthroned by your desires.

You lust after things you cannot have, yet all the while failing.

But in the end the rain will come, and your fire drowns in death.

Leaving a world with nothing to carry, but loneliness, and despair.

To a place where only the soul of those whose lives are in anguish.

Being tormented day and night never knowing what it's like to live.

In a world where peace and joy only rule the light.

This my friend is what you call the road of life.

By Jeffrey Joe Rubio

Edited: 6/6/23

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MY LIFE THROUGH HIS EYES

Today we live, tomorrow is gain

We deserve what God gives out

What are we looking for in our existence of time and void?

I am only but an existence of my own shadow

Grieving for what was lost in the lives, that I had lived

Following the paths that have been laid out by my own desires of pain and suffering

Truly God has given me a way of escape

But I am damage good and am no longer worthy to carry His name

I need to know why I was created for this time and place

I am not worthy to share in the everlasting life

I am only worthy of the fire that consumes my soul

The burning flames that only the lake of fire can give

The smell goes before Him as He smells the sweet aroma of my burning flesh

God is far away in the existence that is beyond my own reach

My soul desires the flames that engulfs my desires that surges through my body

I can feel the longings that flow through my veins

My blood, my blood is cold and on fire

All I see is the flames through my eyes

It encompasses me with intrigue

I stare for hours as I wait in anticipation

Wondering what will happen when I die and buried

The grave screams my name it calls out to me

Yet I cannot hear what it is saying

All I see is the fire that engulfs my grave

I want to move by my feet are paralyze by the curiousness of it all

Take me away from this place that I may be at rest

That my soul will be free and the pain that I feel will be no more

The grieving in my soul will be enlightened by the light of Him Who sits waiting

I don’t know what He wants, I cannot understand Him

He speaks a foreign language that I haven’t learned

Yet He call to me, I can feel Him, I can feel His arms around me

He whispers in my ear “I love you”

But all I feel is pain, all I feel is fire

My desire is for Him, I can finally hear Him for my ears have been opened

He tells me, “He is the One Who is, Who was, and is to come”

He is the One from ancient days, He is the light that shines through me

He is the One who longs to see me in His glory

Riding on the horse through the judgment plains

I cry as I look and watch at the horror that was done in the judgment plains

I’m not angry at Him Who shared Himself with me on His glory

I am crying for those who have died in the battle that have gone against Him Who is and was

I am crying for those who have gone before Him that pours out His love upon all who wants

I thirst and I crave for Him to show me Himself in all that He has for me

I long to be comforted by His arms that can hold the world

But the pain is too great for me to enjoy the satisfaction of His grace

My pain is too great

He won’t take it away from me for its my punishment

As I look across the Judgment Plains, I spotted a man lying there with his eyes open

Though he was dead, he looked alive

But as I kept looking, I realized that the man lying their dead was me

I battle against the One Who was, Who is, and is to come

I screamed “NO!”

I screamed, “WHY! WHY DID YOU SHOW ME?!”

Tears are flowing down my face, after everything we have been through, I could not bear it anymore

I went to Him and cried on His chest

But He grabbed me by my arms and threw me into the fire that burns with Sulphur and brimstone

Forever I will be in the Lake of Fire

BY: Jeffrey Joe Rubio

04 SEPTEMBER, 2024

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